Clumsy

I try to avoid writing new posts when I'm angry because I don't want to say anything that I'll read in the morning and think, "Why in the world would I publish that online?" However, I believe this is an exception. It has occurred to me - over many past experiences - that I am clumsy. Anyone and everyone who knows me is probably laughing hysterically about now and thinking, "Seriously, Kristi? You're just now realizing this?" So I say to you, "Yes! I am just now realizing this." And it is true that I trip over myself, I'm awkward around new people, I probably speak my mind a little too well and I just can't seem to grasp the concept of a good first impression... but believe it or not... this is not what I'm referring to when I call myself clumsy.

I was sitting in the Wilk today (a building on campus) waiting for Brittany to get done with her class so she could give me a ride home. I was reflecting on the day's past events, and stumbling to label how I was feeling about everything, when my thoughts started turning towards relationships. I don't like to dwell too much on past relationships because I think it's dumb... but today seemed to be an exception. As I was thinking I realized that I really am clumsy - and not only in the traditional way, but with my heart. I finally realized that sometimes I get ahead of myself. My feet move quicker than the rest of me and I end up wiping out! This means I get carried away too fast - I get attached too fast only to find that the proverbial "he" is moving like a snail across fly tape! The next relationship that comes along, I end up moving too slow - apprehensive about wiping out and falling straight on my butt again. I can't seem to trust myself enough to move ahead and by the time I've mustered up the courage to finally take the plunge "he" has realized I'm not what he wants anymore. So then I'm moving along in life and out of nowhere I trip over a rock I didn't even see coming and eat the pavement big time! I relate this to the people who are in your life for about 2.5 seconds before they shoot you down out of thin air. And by this time I'm ready to take the plunge again - ready to finally make something work... and the cycle starts all over again.

Why am I rampaging about my completely depressing love life? Because in my heart I know it's not in vain. And every time I "taste the pavement" I realize two things: 1.) that concrete tastes like bird crap and 2.) I know now more than ever what I want and what I am looking for.

So what is the point? What's the point of seemingly endless torture in the world of dating? I honestly don't know. All I can hope for is that one day I'll find someone who knows how clumsy I am and doesn't care. Where is the man that will slow me down when I get ahead of myself and say, "Kristi, you need to slow it down. I'm not going anywhere."? Where is the man that will pick me up when I can't move my feet and say, "Kristi, I know you're scared and I'm scared too. But we can do this together because together we have nothing to fear."? Where is that guy?

All I know is that for the first time since I was sixteen, I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing in the realm of dating. So I say to all the clumsy people out there... you aren't alone. And if we keep moving forward, we just might learn how to stay on our own two feet along the way.